When we struggle, quite a few things, or just one thing, may align in a way that: (a) challenges a system (internal or external), (b) the attunement between systems, or (c) the ability of the self to manage and coordinate the two systems and all the components that lie within. Another way to describe it is to say that, sometimes influences from the internal system (thinking, feeling, or body) and/or the external system (family, community, culture) individually, collectively, and/or cumulatively create opportunity for mis-attunement.
There are many different paths to struggle. Here is a description of one potential path. For example, one of the consequences is that we believe that our own experience-- or our own self -- is not good enough. Maybe we think or believe these sorts of things:
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“A good person could handle this.”
“Only flawed people keep wanting like this.”
“I don’t deserve to be taken care of.”
“I have to be perfect to ask for help or love.”
“Something is wrong with me.”
“I feel like something is not right and everyone says everything is okay. I see thing so differently.”
“I feel too much.”
“I think too much.”
“I talk too much.”
And many more things like this………
Then, because we believe that we are flawed, we look to the outside to find some way to measure what is right- a way to know, for sure, if we are okay. According to theory, to be acceptable we decide we must measure-up the way others want, expect, or need us be. When this mis-attunement occurs, we abandoned our Healthy Authentic Self and construct a self that we think fits the mold of what is okay.
